Journal entry from April 8, 2023
Yesterday I signed up to work with Kellie Day. I saw her video on Facebook about helping women who feel like they have put their art on hold for years while they took care of everyone else. A lot of what she said really resonated with me. In fact, everything did. She used words that I really connected with and I went ahead and signed up for a one hour call.
We talked yesterday and I couldn’t believe how emotional I was about the fact that I haven’t been painting for all of these years. I told her a little bit about a painting that I conceived and started, but has sat on my table for way too long without being touched. I didn’t tell her the details, but a general idea. It is a painting about the song “Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell. I learned it when I was at girl scout camp and I’ve always loved it. I sang it to the kids at night before they went to sleep. Harrison got very attached to it and asked for it every night.
Last night we got in the car and the news story on the radio was, “Joni Mitchell - how to make art.” They interviewed her about why she wrote music and what her stories were about. She said that she wrote from her pain after having to give up her daughter because she was pregnant out of wedlock in the 60s. Once she was reunited with her daughter years later she didn’t feel the need to write or sing anymore.
They talked about the difference between her voice then and now, how age and smoking had affected her. I had never heard her more alto, current voice. I loved it so much. Now that I know her story I can feel the pain of the high pitched wail that I’ve known since my own childhood.
I know that hearing that story was not a coincidence. I know that I’m supposed to be doing this right now even though it seems crazy to spend $5000 to get started right when we are having a bit of a crisis financially with Jeff losing his job. He feels like its right too though. That might have been the biggest shock of all. He has been very supportive of it.
I have such an excitement in me. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up filled with ideas about what I want to express. I have ideas about the Circle Game painting (string!) I wrote a list of 5 pages of topics that I feel like I have a voice about and something to express. I know it won’t always feel exciting. It will also be scary and frustrating and all of the things, but I’m crazy excited. One of my favorite things that happened yesterday was that Harrison got in the car at school pick up and immediately said, “You seem happy. What happened?”
I’ve been trying some new things spiritually. Listening to other sources of information about connecting to God and the universe. I’ve been hearing more about how the moon effects us and have been paying attention to that a little bit. I got an app that tells me a little bit about it. The full moon is supposed to be a good time to begin something new. The spring flowers everywhere are reminding me of new beginnings. Life coming back after being dormant through a season a winter.
After I talked with Kellie yesterday and I was debating the commitment, I saw my whole house with new eyes. I felt open again. I talked to Jackson about it and he told me to go for it. I asked him if he would feel burdened if I created all of this art and then he had to figure out what to do with it all when I died. I have that actual fear... taking up too much space in the world and being a burden to others. I think that’s part of why I’ve gone digital for so long. It feels small, like it won’t bother anyone else. It also isn’t seen or present. It is hidden away and unlikely to be discovered. Tiny treasures amidst all of the other junk that is 0s and 1s in my computers memory.
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